Can Spouses Have Friends of the Opposite Sex?
An interesting article I found…
Without proper ground rules and understanding, three can definitely be a crowd.
Can Spouses Have Friends of the Opposite Sex?
Ground rules for opposite-sex friends and marriage.
BY SHARON M. RIVKIN, MA, MFT
Opposite-sex friendships are tricky and can be a direct threat to your marriage, but they don’t have to be. For most people, fear comes not from the friendship, but in keeping the friendship non-sexual; which can be difficult given that 90 percent of the time one of the individuals has experienced romantic feelings for his/her friend. Sometimes this is talked about and sometimes it isn’t, but the feelings are there.
But limiting our friendships with the opposite sex once you’re married doesn’t allow us the richness and perspective that we can gain from a member of the opposite sex. With some foresight and consciousness, it’s possible to have friends of the opposite sex and keep your marriage strong and healthy. To make these relationships work and beat the odds, follow the opposite-sex friendship ground rules below:
Don’ts
1. No secrets! All parties should know each other and know about the friendship. If anything should change in the friendship, your spouse needs to know.
2. Time spent with the friend should never supersede time spent with your husband or wife, unless there is a dire emergency.
3. Never make an agreement that can’t be changed. The agreement should always be negotiable, so that if the friendship isn’t working for your spouse, it can always be modified or cancelled.
4. Never make your spouse feel that he/she isn’t the most important relationship to you. This is basically uncharted territory, so be aware and sensitive of your partner’s feelings.
5. Never put your friend’s needs first. By keeping your spouse as your number one priority, the mystery surrounding the friendship diminishes, and your spouse will more likely view the friend as a real person and not just a fantasy.
Dos
1. To ensure comfort and trust, there needs to be a high level of maturity and self-esteem with all involved. Evaluate this with your spouse and really talk about everyone’s concerns and fears.
2. Ground rules need to be established from the beginning, i.e., what’s okay and what’s not for all the people involved. For instance, is it okay for the friends to get together when you or your spouse is out of town? How much time is spent with the friend on a monthly basis? What do the friends do together? Is dancing okay? Is dinner okay? Each couple will have their own individual concerns and questions to consider.
3. Everyone needs to be in agreement that it’s okay for the friendship to take place. No one should be left out of the process.
4. The person having the friendship needs to have strong, clear personal boundaries and open communication with their spouse and their friend. They need to be up front at all times with their husband or wife, letting him/her know when they’re seeing their friend, etc.
5. If the primary partner ever feels uncomfortable with the arrangement, he/she can speak up at any time. Their feelings and concerns need to be considered and taken seriously.
In theory, most couples want their spouses to be happy and to have friends of the opposite sex. In reality, this can only happen by following ground rules. The main issues surrounding these friendships are usually jealousy and sex. If you can talk about your friend freely and make him/her a real person to your spouse, there is less likelihood of these types of problems occurring. Keep the lines of communication open at all times with everyone involved. Be honest with yourself about your ability to have good boundaries, and clarity about what is appropriate in a friendship and your marriage. There are differences. As long as everything is out in the open and with appropriate ground rules, friendships with the opposite sex are possible.
Sharon M. Rivkin, Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of “The First Argument: Cutting to the Root of Intimate Conflict,” (www.thefirstargument.com) has worked with couples for 25-plus years. Her unique insight into the first argument was featured in “O: The Oprah Magazine” and “Reader’s Digest,” and has attracted people throughout the U.S. and abroad for consultation, workshops, and courses. For more information on Sharon Rivkin visit http://www.sharonrivkin.com.
Real Conversations – Episode 1 | Opposite Sex Friends
Real Conversations – Episode 1 | Opposite Sex Friends
This topic has probably been an issue in every marriage known to
man…whether it’s been addressed or not, and if it hasn’t been a
topic for discussion in your union, well give God thanks…seriously.
This blog entry, by no means, is going to tell you whether or not you
should continue your friendship with a person of the opposite sex but
it will, more or less, help you to evaluate your friendship and
determine whether or not the friendship is beneficial or detrimental
to your marriage.
As with everything that I blog about, I can only speak from experience
or education on that specific topic. Personally, I have always had
friends of the opposite sex, more so than female friends. I was always
this way, even from a child. I didn’t enjoy the things that most
little girls did, like playing with dolls or getting dressed up and the
like. Those things didn’t interest me so naturally, I spent most of my
time alone or with the one true friend that I had, who happened to be
a male.
So that was my childhood. Now, as a married woman, so many things
have had to change with that friendship. I can’t call my friend of 14
years every time something happens or whenever I just want to let my
hair down and be me. Ultimately, that’s what I have my husband for.
Should he be ok with the relationship that I have with my friend of
all these years? Yes and no. Yes, if the friendship is purely
friendship, meaning that the friendship never amounted to anything more
than just friends. On the other hand, if there was anything more, it
would be disrespectful to a certain extent to continue that
friendship.
On another note, if you choose to have a friend of the opposite sex,
be cautious. You never want your friendship to get too comfortable
with someone of the opposite sex for obvious reasons. You may not
have other motives, but they may, so be careful.
Last thing: Sometimes your spouse may not understand your friendship
because they’ve never been in a similar position. If that’s the case,
help them understand. And if after that point, you still cannot see
eye to eye, take a step back and look at the bigger picture…I’m
pretty certain you’ll make the right choice.
Don’t forget to check out the Couple’s Challenge for this topic and
remember, God first, then your mate! Blessings!
The Truth About Marriage 